If you are experiencing an empty nest, you are not alone. My kids are starting to move out of my house. Once upon a time, my kids were little and relied on my husband and I for everything. Now I'm are realizing that the relationship with our kids and my husband is changing. Empty nest syndrome is real. This episode Twanda and Rhumel discuss strategies to help parents to prepare us for the impending empty nest. Join us.
Recorded March 21, 2021.
Where did the time go? Wasn’t it just yesterday that we were kissing a skinned knee or helping our little one tie their shoes? Snapping back into our reality, those little kids are teens and young adults. They are much more independent and our role as parents is different....and a bit scary.
In this episode, we share our strategies for and challenges with embracing the empty nest syndrome. Neither of us are fully empty nesters yet so we can only hope we are on the right track. Join us for the conversation.
Quotes:
Twanda: I want to grow old gracefully!
Rhumel: No, I want to kick and scream! I don’t want to grow old gracefully. I’m not fighting aging, I don’t want to slip in quietly.
Whether it is volunteering or crafting or traveling or whatever. If you have worked on these things I think it means the transition from your kids going off and being adults a smoother transition. - Rhumel
It’s a challenge when you are used to taking the lead role in your child’s life and making the decisions for your child and all of a sudden you aren’t in the driver’s seat for it. - Rhumel
The school thing helps us prepare for when it’s totally a done deal. - Rhumel
That’s what our role becomes. Instead of controlling what they do, [we are] helping them to think through their decisions. We can’t control whether they do it or not but we can help influence them in making a better decisions. - Twanda
My mom said it was like having a constant hole in the family. - Rhumel
We just have to realize that at every point in our children‘s lives they are still our children; it’s just that we parent differently and if we can just adjust to the proper phase I think we’ll be all right. - Twanda
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Empty Nest Syndrome
[00:00:00] Rhumel: [00:00:00] Welcome back to our show.
Twanda: [00:00:02] Welcome back everybody. This is Twanda.
Rhumel: [00:00:05] And this is Rhumel .
Twanda: [00:00:06] Hey, Rhumel.
Rhumel: [00:00:06] Hey,Girl Hey!!How you doing?
Twanda: [00:00:09] I am doing fine. This weekend has been really fun for me. I had all my kids in the house.
Rhumel: [00:00:17] Oh, I'm envious.
Twanda: [00:00:19] It was just fun. Have everybody there. I find myself one of those moms who my daughter was like, Oh, well, if y'all are cooking something, I'll stay longer. I was like whipping up food. It's like, because I wanted to do the thing was your mom does everything she can to make you stay longer.
Rhumel: [00:00:36] Right,
Twanda: [00:00:38] I'm a mom.
Rhumel: [00:00:39] I know. And my oldest came home last weekend, so I was thrilled to have her home. So I do understand that having everybody in the house, it feels different.
Twanda: [00:00:51] me feel good in the seat, interacting together. And the only reason why I have to say that is because I've got kids who aren't in the house all the time. And in this transition period of my kids are slowly moving out of the house.
Rhumel: [00:01:08] I know. And you know, when you're in the thick of things, that's, those are the things you dream about,
Twanda: [00:01:14] Yeah. When they're little toddlers and they're running around and they're like, mommy, mommy, daddy, mommy at the door. When you're in the bathroom, I'll sit in on the way to your independent.
Rhumel: [00:01:25] Yeah. And then they do,
Twanda: [00:01:27] And then it was like, why did you grow up? [00:01:30] Yeah, I'm having to come up. I think I Bri I am, I look for ways to bribe my 17 year old to come out of his room.
I made you some banana bread, bring him out. And I realized I am my mom.
Rhumel: [00:01:49] Right,
Twanda: [00:01:51] Mom things. Uh, but you know, I can see what's happening. You know, you see the writing on the wall, this is where we're going. We're transitioning. So that even while they're living in my house, I can, I can feel the empty nest monster coming to get me
Rhumel: [00:02:08] Yeah. So that's, that's the topic of today empty nest and that horrible like
Twanda: [00:02:15] this monster. Yeah. I don't know, you know, that people say you're afraid of things. You don't understand don't know. People are afraid of things that they don't understand that they don't know. I that's. One of those things is like, Oh, what is this actually going to be like him? He was about that.
Rhumel: [00:02:35] Yeah. Yeah. I mean, well, we're living through it, right. living through it. Um, it's a little bit different. I think with the pandemic. I know our, um, what's happened for us with. Our kids moving out was kind of slowed down. Right. Because
absolutely.
Twanda: [00:02:56] in Aligning to the pandemic is that [00:03:00] my empty nest syndrome is process and I got to, uh, not go into the empty nest hood so quickly. Okay.
Rhumel: [00:03:11] For me, it was straight up reversed because my kid with my all three of my kids were home, you know, I don't, I think your oldest was still off. Right. Cause she had her own spot. So, but all three of mine were back in the house. And um, and so you get used to that energy and um, you get used to the noise.
Twanda: [00:03:31] Yes,
Rhumel: [00:03:33] um, you know, in sometimes it's exhausting, but then when they're not there, it's kinda like, Oh my goodness. Yeah, you totally miss it.
I can't complain about anything. There's nobody here to complain to. I would say. I remember when my daughter first went off to college and I had blamed all of my aunts and friends who had come before me who had kids go off to college and didn't tell me how hard it was going to be, how tough it is when you're ready to sit down and eat dinner.
And there's not, there's a table setting that you don't set anymore. And I remember that was painful. And what that felt like. I anticipate I'm looking towards that with this empty nest syndrome. When I talk about empty nest syndrome, I'm thinking about. Not just they're in college and they come [00:04:30] home regularly.
Twanda: [00:04:31] Cause home is really still home. It's when they move out and they just come home to visit, but not because the Durham closed and they had, you know, this is their main phone number and address. No, no, no, this, this, I mean like when they go and I'm looking, I know I'm looking at that. Cause I've got one like that now. I forgot the, uh, I've got to look at one more. Who's looking for that. He's like, as soon as I nailed me a good job, I'm out mom. It's like, Oh, yay outside. Oh
at the same time.
Yeah,
Rhumel: [00:05:07] Well, I, I think that the school thing helps to prepare us for
Twanda: [00:05:13] it does.
Rhumel: [00:05:13] side, for when it's totally a done deal.
Twanda: [00:05:17] The baby step into. Okay. They're gone for a while, but I know that they got to come back for spring break or something like that. That whenever I can
Rhumel: [00:05:25] I think it's just, it's harder because now you're having to redefine your role as a mom, right? Like before you're just mom, you're, you're relied upon to do all the things,
Twanda: [00:05:39] What to do and when to do it, cause they won't do it on their own because they're not ready. But then you do a great job of doing that. And then they started doing it on their own and it's like, wait, what am I supposed to do again now?
Rhumel: [00:05:48] Yeah. Like where are you supposed to? Yeah, they don't really tell you about it. And I will tell you, I, in preparation for this, I talked to my [00:06:00] mom and my dad to kind of see what they felt. I mean, because. Um, we, I guess as parents, we all go through it at some point, but I was curious, like, how did they handle it?
And my mom was just saying, it just felt like a constant hole in the family. Like, especially when I left, I went to, I went to Florida A&M University , um, which they didn't live anywhere near. Oh, my gosh, who knew?
Twanda: [00:06:30] Right.
Rhumel: [00:06:31] I know, I know. I almost felt silly saying it out loud, but yes. Yeah, but I, my parents, when I, when I went to school, my parents lived in New York. When I initially graduated. They lived in New York. So it was a big difference. Um, they subsequently moved to North Carolina, but it's still a long way. And so we only got to see each other every few months, you know, every.
Three to four or five months or whatever, if we were lucky. And so, um, for me, I was just happy. I was a college student. I was just doing my thing. I was really independent, but my mom was just letting me know, like for her, that was a real loss because we just had this, this dynamic that she. Totally missed.
And she didn't really have a good way to fill that. And I don't think anybody has that conversation. A lot of times they weren't having those kinds of conversations before. Like when the [00:07:30] kids leave, you're going to feel like this.
Twanda: [00:07:32] Yeah, I hope so. Tell us that by the way, because I'm waiting for an appointment with me and tell me what I'm supposed to expect. That I don't think it's going to happen.
Rhumel: [00:07:41] well in this conversation, you know, with my parents, my parents were like, so how is it babe? You know, you know, like tell us how you're feeling, you know? So, um, I don't think anybody had that conversation with them and it was just kind of funny. They were like, so tell us how it is. So, but like the interesting thing is that my mom.
In trying to find re find a sense of purpose if you will. Um, she ended up going back to school and like, my mom has two masters, I think. And she probably has like a bunch more certifications and things like that. But her response to us leaving was too busy herself with school. And I didn't know that. I didn't know.
That's what,
Twanda: [00:08:29] Was it busy herself with school, or now that she didn't have as much responsibility parenting, there was some education and stuff. She's all like she was just getting back to, or was she just like, I love education. So I've been waiting for this opportunity. Did she do that? Or she was just so you know, this, you asked her that.
Rhumel: [00:08:50] her she's she, she specifically told me she was like, well, I don't have anything to do. I don't have anything to do. And so what should I [00:09:00] do? Maybe I should go back to school and do these things, and that will help my career in X, Y, and Z way. But. She was telling me like that was the impetus that had her moving forward with it.
And so, and on top of that, she became like this Cleaning, like, she was like completely obsessed with cleaning, like she, or where she always had. Huh?
Twanda: [00:09:24] Yeah, she wasn't obsessed with it before.
Rhumel: [00:09:27] I mean, she was a cook. We had a clean household. But my mom's had, she started vacuuming every day, like vacuuming or her bedroom, like leaving the vacuum right outside our bedroom. So she could vacuum it every morning and
Twanda: [00:09:41] Okay, that sounds very busy.
Rhumel: [00:09:44] Okay. Yeah. And getting up at five in the morning and, you know, doing things around the house and stuff.
So she recognized that it was an issue, but. She just didn't know how to, she didn't know how to deal with it. I don't even know if she realized that was the problem. It was only really when we were talking about it, she was like, you know, and these were the things that I was doing to kind of stuff, um, things into my day, because it just felt like every time she got used to like one of us.
Being gone, another one left, you know, so, um, I thought it was very interesting and my dad is his statement was he was, he had a stunned, empty feeling and I was like, so how did you deal with that? And [00:10:30] he's just like, I just kept working. I just kept working. And so if you know my dad, he is a workaholic and he just,
Twanda: [00:10:38] Just working anyway.
Rhumel: [00:10:41] Well, yeah, but I, I think that, you know, everybody has a different way to deal with it, especially I think the generation before us, um, they didn't talk about it and at least people talk about their feelings and things. I think a little bit more openly now, um, where we can at least address it. And that's what we hope to do here is there's a little talk about. No, the feelings that we have and how we're trying to get through it.
Twanda: [00:11:11] I want to talk about it. I want to figure out how what's the best method for, uh, transitioning to that part of my life. And I want, I would love to do something so that we can spark conversations of other parents. Maybe once the kids get to high school, I don't, I want to be the person that says, Hey friend, you got kids who were sophomores in high school.
When we started to prepare you for what you're about to, you know, cause I think. My friends would appreciate that. I think I would have appreciated it, or somebody had said, Oh, Oh yeah, your kids gone got into college. Yay. Have you thought about what's going to happen when they graduate? No. I have seen television shows where [00:12:00] they say, you know, they show the kid going off to college and the two parents, how proud and watching the kids drive out.
And then like one hour later, the wife's got all her stuff packed and she leave him too. She was like, see ya, we're getting a divorce. I been waiting on the kids to leave and you know, that's not where I want to go with that, but I've seen that. So I know, I think people will have to deal with. What happens, what the change that happens and being, this is our household.
We're parenting you're in my house. You go by my rules, you know, this is how it goes to now. Y'all are adults and y'all come back to visit. And who are we again? And who is this? I sleeping every day. And where's his life, or what did you do with life? From that point on? I want to grow old gracefully Rhumel I want.
Now what, who does it want to grow old gracefully? Did you say you don't.
Rhumel: [00:12:59] no, I want to kick and scream. I want to have, I don't want to do it gracefully. I mean, I don't, I'm not fighting aging, but I don't want to, you know, Slip into older just quietly.
Twanda: [00:13:15] Like a road, just so you know, like you're looking forward to it. Lots of us aren't really looking forward to the aging process, but it's going to happen anyway.
Rhumel: [00:13:26] I'm not going to,
Twanda: [00:13:28] Kick you and throwing a [00:13:30] tantrum. What about transitioning? Race?
Rhumel: [00:13:33] I'm 51. I can do what I want to,
Twanda: [00:13:37] Honoree is the word that comes to mind right about now. See. We did. We both looked up different articles that might help us with preparing to be in. She's not sorry. She's not especially honored. If he wants to throw a tantrum, she can throw a tantrum and she wanted to, Hey, I'm not, I'm not getting in the way of that.
Rhumel: [00:14:09] Thank you.
Twanda: [00:14:09] But I think we were having this conversation because we know we have to deal with it. We're dealing with the process. We're going through it now. It's more like, we'll talk about menopausal another episode,
Rhumel: [00:14:22] Oh my gosh.
Twanda: [00:14:23] here's the menopause and this peri-menopause, you know, like, why'd
Rhumel: [00:14:27] got all the pauses.
Twanda: [00:14:28] Okay? Yeah. The pauses. This is one podcast with just the two of us, but still the idea is there is a transition period to, to the full Empty nest, right? Where they are really out and independent on their own. I remember, but I live to transmission as smoothly as possible. So we both look. Articles that gave us some tips on what we [00:15:00] can do to prepare for this.
It's a syndrome and well, you know, we can go through each of the, the tips that they gave us, but we did, I find that many of them said some of the same things. So some of the things that ha that were highlights, uh, for us is that you have to work on your relationship with your partner, your spouse. You know, I knew that because I know a lot of people spend so much time ignoring their spouse while they're raising children, their dinner, like, Oh, who are you?
You here? You know, they don't know who they're with. And they have decided they liked them anymore. Who are they as a unit?
Rhumel: [00:15:43] Well, and parenting is hard, right? So whenever you're in this with your, with your partner, if you don't find that common ground in parenting, it really, I think once. Yes. Yes. And once the kids leave, it's like, if you weren't working as a team, then what are you doing now? Right,
Twanda: [00:16:08] What's your role. Cause before you, you turn your role into, instead of being partners that managing the household and you're managing the kids and you, if you make your world about those, uh, the, the children, when they're gone, it's like, well, what, what do we do with each other now? As we are preparing for the [00:16:30] total Empty nest syndrome, let's make sure we're reconnecting now.
So we don't wake up with no kids in the house and go, what are you doing here? We have no purpose anymore. There's no kids arrays. Well, your way we don't, I don't want that. I like the idea of, of staying, uh, having a purpose, having the purpose with my partner. And now I'm that our goal together is more than just parenting.
Rhumel: [00:16:56] Yeah. And I think finding, I mean, finding the fun in each other again, I mean, cause you didn't, if you're in a long-term relationship, you didn't get there initially because you didn't like this person. Right. And so. You know, at times during a relationship, you might not like your partner, but that yet
Twanda: [00:17:20] Yeah, we got to put this on YouTube. Cause we see here zoom that we hear you at the time. I don't know. I got to fix that. I agree. Anybody who's been a long time now knows you have moments and it just gets, I guess, tough life gets tough. And so.
Rhumel: [00:17:42] And so do the relationships at times. And if we're lucky we work through it and we get to the other side, but you know, to be able to actually like your partner again, or, or always like your partner, I'll just say that, um, when the kids leave, I think it just makes it a lot, um, [00:18:00] it's a lot smoother of a transition.
Twanda: [00:18:02] I think you'd have to be, you have to be intentional in this process. Well, I, I know you need to make time for that reconnecting with your partner to make making sure that you two are still okay. Working as a unit and you have goals for your relationship beyond just co-parenting, you know, living in that is that it's not only that.
So what would be in advance preparing for that? Making sure you're dating because you're having fun. Do you remember why you liked this person in the first place? Cause that's going to come in handy when there's nothing else in your life, but you two and the other cat.
Rhumel: [00:18:45] but you know what another, another relationship you have to really work on is the relationship with yourself and, and making sure you understand who you are again. And honestly, and I think we've really touched on that a lot through our podcast is really, um, understanding like. The journey of finding yourself again. I think that if you start that journey before the kids start leaving, or as they really start leaving, like the more kids you have, it's a longer time period. You have to do it.
Twanda: [00:19:23] The more space you put in between them to you.
Rhumel: [00:19:25] Yeah. Yeah. So, but. Finding yourself. I think [00:19:30] when they leave, at least you, can you go, well, okay, they're gone. But now I can work on these things that I, that fulfill me no matter what that is, whether it's volunteering or crafting or traveling or whatever.
But if you have worked on those things, I think that it makes the transition from your kids going off and being adults. Um, More, just a smoother transition.
Twanda: [00:19:59] I, I know no one knows this about me, but I kinda like list, you know, to do lists nobody. I know revelation and I have a bucket list. And I find having a bucket list fun because then it gives me something to look forward to. And the times I need to look forward to things I can do once the kids are out of the house instead of going, Oh no, the kids are not here.
She'll say, well, the kids are not here. Let me go ahead and hit this part on my list that I found it very hard to do when I was actively. Uh, ha parenting 27, just putting those on the list and then attacking that list gives me something to look forward to
Rhumel: [00:20:49] I mean, like, is that what you would consider like a new challenge, like, or. You like new challenges, like your bucket list or those
Twanda: [00:20:59] things that are.
[00:21:00] Rhumel: [00:21:01] Yeah.
Twanda: [00:21:02] I, again, those are things that are or harder to do when I had kids. Now I did go back to school while I had all three of my kids also just, you know, um, in grade school. So that was a challenge, but I did that because we were still trying to make more money and build up a career. Uh, cause we have to pay for the kids who would be going to college.
So, you know, all those, we're still a parenting, a very active parenting activity. So I had to do it. Then I liked the idea of learning. I could see myself going and maybe getting certifications or are learning more, I think taking classes and courses. So when I heard your mom was doing that, I was like, well, Hey, that's actually on my to-do list when the kids don't need me anymore.
But because I have time to right now, I'm still thinking, Ooh, I wonder if my kids want to go to a guitar, take guitar lessons. And so I focused on myself on helping get them what they need, but when they're out, I've always wanted to take some type of martial arts class. I can't maneuver in my brain. I get easily overwhelmed when I have too many places to go.
And, but when it's all about more about me, I want to take some of those classes. I don't need to be dropping my kid off anymore. It's just me. I [00:22:30] dropped myself off. I'm going to go and learn some martial arts. So yeah, a couple of things I'd like to experience. I might not love it. I don't have to keep going, but I certainly want to try is on my list.
Rhumel: [00:22:45] I think that's awesome. I
Twanda: [00:22:46] Let me go to that, but I probably need to spend more time writing, more, getting more things on the list because you know, I have a big list of things to do. And then that Cohen, I don't know, what am I supposed to do again? Tangent.
Rhumel: [00:23:03] do you, do you think, I mean, like, do you see yourself like being the person who is like, like a lady who lunches, you know, you ever heard of that?
Twanda: [00:23:15] Yeah, well, see the way my bank account works, I
Rhumel: [00:23:19] not talking about your bank account. I'll just say like,
Twanda: [00:23:22] to lunch. Like they ain't got nothing to do during the day, so they make tea.
Rhumel: [00:23:27] Let's talk about like hanging out with your girlfriends more like, do you see like, um, you know, because you have less, less, uh, responsibilities too, for your kids and things, do you think having a different role or rebuilding relationships with your friends?
Twanda: [00:23:48] Yup. Well, I can imagine that the cool thing and I'm proud of this is that even while my kids are growing up, I have nurtured of relationship with other women. At least it's like mommy [00:24:00] retreats and book club, really like that. I know that it would free me up to do more of that I just said in a, and that's a possibility, but I feel pretty good.
You know, I felt like if anything, I do more podcasting. So like, let's take the podcast on a tour, you know?
Rhumel: [00:24:17] Yeah. Yeah.
Twanda: [00:24:19] And, and playing, you know, working with my circle that way, but absolutely just, um, reconnecting with anything. That means something to me, it would make me feel good. And my kids would enjoy knowing that mom's busy.
Mom's doing fun stuff. I am not just busy and I don't know. Well, yeah, you check me. If you ever see me cleaned up at five o'clock in the morning.
Rhumel: [00:24:47] She said something is wrong, something is wrong. Me. Call nine one one.
Twanda: [00:24:54] absolutely.
Rhumel: [00:24:56] Oh my goodness.
Twanda: [00:24:58] Yeah. I just do stuff to be busy, add light, to be busy, doing stuff that I've just said, put a pause on while I'm raising my children that might need to do, keep writing that into that list.
Rhumel: [00:25:12] I get it. I want to just do things that make me happy. So I get that, you know,
Twanda: [00:25:18] And then this is something we talk about on this episode, we end this episode. This podcast is parenting adult children, and [00:25:30] turning, changing into the parent of adult children and figuring out what roles we play in their lives. Now.
Rhumel: [00:25:38] right. It's, it's a challenge. It's definitely a challenge when, um, you're used to taking the head role in your child's life and making decisions for your child and yeah. And then all of a sudden, you're not. You're not in the driver's seat for it, or at least you shouldn't want to be, I don't think you should want to be in the driver's seat as a go on.
I think if, if nothing else, uh, well-placed backseat driver is, you know,
Twanda: [00:26:14] To be, I still want to control things. And it is because I try to be self-aware that I say, oops, Nope. Nope. I won't want to pick it. You want to choose that you sit in the back seat, just let them do it their way you shouldn't run too. Well, you know, I might want to, but at least I sat back.
Rhumel: [00:26:37] I do wish we could actually see. I wish I could actually see because the, the level of uncomfortable that you are with that. Is showing through in everything that you're doing. You're like, I've tried to say the right thing, but I, what your body says, girl, I want to drive.
Twanda: [00:26:59] I don't [00:27:00] want to want to jive, but I want to brave, and I don't see that changing. I just know I need to check myself. 20 you're driving. Okay. You were about to say a driver phrase, don't do that. You know,
Rhumel: [00:27:16] Yeah. Yeah,
Twanda: [00:27:17] you only do. I want to see my kids do certain things and I want to do that. Well, I'll help you figure that one out.
So, you know, don't take that person, Ty, we'll start there, you know, and I can't do that.
Rhumel: [00:27:31] Uh, well, my, my 18 year old expressed her, uh, she's been wanting to get a nose ring, right? Like the kind like that goes through your septum, you know, like the bowl.
Twanda: [00:27:44] Yes.
Rhumel: [00:27:45] Yeah. Yeah. She's been wanting to get one of those and I, Oh, I just did not want her to do it, but I just told her, I was like, look, you can do it.
Okay. Like you're 18, you can do it, but just wait until the pandemic is over. And then she sent me a picture
Twanda: [00:28:02] Yeah,
Rhumel: [00:28:02] on Valentine's day. Yeah. So she got the, she got the piercing and she's just like, yeah, I did it. I was like, okay. I mean, like, what can I say? It's her body she's 18. And so I lost that battle, but, you know, I knew she was going to eventually get it.
I was just hoping, I don't mind. I want.
Twanda: [00:28:28] See, see you get me [00:28:30] about wanting to drive, but here you are telling 18 year old to wait for some random time to.
Rhumel: [00:28:38] Okay. Now. Okay. So the pandemic is a really kind of big reason. Like, I didn't want her because she's going to have to go without mask around her nose and all that kind of stuff. She's going to school in Florida, you know? I mean, like, so
Twanda: [00:28:53] Be able to wear a mask. You being loud, getting the piercing.
Rhumel: [00:28:56] saying she wouldn't be able to do that. Right. Because it's her nose.
Twanda: [00:29:00] All right.
Rhumel: [00:29:02] You know, it was more so that I did not expect her to not get the piercing, but I was just hoping that she would not get it long enough for her to really want it.
Twanda: [00:29:13] I see, I know you're, you're masking it with well, it's pandemic, but technically it's like, I'm trying to, if I can pick your weight, maybe you'll get distracted and not want to do it.
Rhumel: [00:29:28] I, yeah, but I was hoping for that, but I didn't get it and it's okay. She looks fine with it. I just still wish she hadn't gotten it, but it's fine. It's it's fine. It's fine. Yeah, it's fine. fine. Right. And so, and now her next thing is she wants a tattoo. Again, I'm not, I don't even care about [00:30:00] tattoos. However, I do know how an 18 year old brain thinks and I don't want
Twanda: [00:30:06] Tattoo face tattoo. Can we, can we just say that
Rhumel: [00:30:11] What is that? What did you neck or, yeah, she does not want to do that. So I'm safe with that.
Twanda: [00:30:19] that's good.
Rhumel: [00:30:20] you know, like when I was, when I was her age, I wanted a big old Panther across my back. I'm so glad that I didn't have the money to get a big ass Panther across my back. Right. Cause that's what I was, I was like, that's going to look so awesome.
It will be the best, you know, and have a Panther kind of ripping your skin, you know? I mean I had thoughts.
Twanda: [00:30:45] The same kid wants a tattoo.
Rhumel: [00:30:48] Yeah.
Twanda: [00:30:49] You know, this is about to happen, right?
Rhumel: [00:30:51] I, I do realize that. I just, I'm just hoping.
Twanda: [00:30:55] Talk about her daughter's new big ass , tattooed on her. Maybe decide a small, something different that she might like, and she can have her go. But the time to think about it,
Rhumel: [00:31:13] we've been talking about it. We've been talking about it. And, um, and so she hasn't, she hasn't locked in on anything yet. She just knows that she wants one. So.
Twanda: [00:31:23] No, that's how our role becomes instead of controlling what they do, helping them think through their [00:31:30] decisions, because it's still going to make their own decisions. We figured that part out that we can reframe it and think, uh, you know, make sure they're thinking about all the other aspects, you know, help them with our wisdom.
Say what you thought about this and make sure you think about that. Don't forget to consider this. We can't control whether they do it or not, but we can help influence them making a better decision over a worst decision.
Rhumel: [00:31:58] Yeah. Yeah. I'm so glad I didn't have that much money when I was in I'm so glad, you know.
Twanda: [00:32:05] You did something your parents did not want you to do.
Rhumel: [00:32:09] Oh, I did all the things. I'm sure that my parents
Twanda: [00:32:11] Okay.
Rhumel: [00:32:13] um, so I, and, and with that, I understand that my kids. We'll probably want to do everything I don't want them to do. So I get that. And I, you know, it's a, it's a time where they are expressing their own, um, creativity, individuality.
That's right. And, and they're trying to be adults. They're learning how to adult. And adulting means making decisions and making decisions about what you want to do with your body. And so I kind of get it so I don't stress about it, but, um, I'm hoping that if she does, when she's does start getting a tattoo that, or start getting tattoos that she's at least [00:33:00] thoughtful about it.
I don't have a problem with tattoos. No, but I actually told her I would get a tattoo with her when she does get one. Yeah, I did.
Twanda: [00:33:11] I wasn't sure of. Okay. Cause you've gone this far here. I've never getting one and now get one.
Rhumel: [00:33:18] Yeah. I mean, like, it wasn't that I had a problem with it. Cause obviously I thought I was going to get a big ass Panther on my back, but I, um, just was, I just wanted to be, I just wanted to be like, More careful, I guess, you know, like I just didn't want to have it in a place that was going to look funny in 20 years, but now I think I just don't care.
I, you know, I've done the things that I wanted to do. And if I have a tattoo that looks a little wonky, I guess, you know, when I'm 80, who cares, you know?
Twanda: [00:33:51] Character.
Rhumel: [00:33:54] And so I'm just whatever, whenever she decides to do, do it.
Twanda: [00:34:00] She has a. at that one.
Rhumel: [00:34:11] I'm telling you, I, I don't know what I was thinking, but you know what? It really does go along with the kind of person that I am, you know, this to be true when I want to do something, it's usually I go all out. You know what I mean? Like. My ideas are like, whew. [00:34:30] So the big ass Panther, it kind of fits instead of having like a little cat tattoo, you know, I wanted the biggest Panther.
So, you know, I say you have a kid.
Twanda: [00:34:47] Yep. There it is.
Rhumel: [00:34:50] Yeah, exactly. So, but now I know as a much older person, I can get a reasonable tattoo and be completely happy. So, but I'm actually looking forward to that.
Twanda: [00:35:06] You have to come back and tell us all, when you finally get a tattoo experience was like, and whether you regretted it or not.
Rhumel: [00:35:14] I imagine it would be within the next year or so. I think it will
Twanda: [00:35:18] Right. So that will be an example of you letting go and, and changing your parenting with your, with your kid.
Rhumel: [00:35:28] Yeah. I mean, I think it's E we're gonna think at this point, the type of memories that we build together are just going to be different, you know?
Twanda: [00:35:39] I agree. And that's okay. I think we just have to realize that every point of our children's lives, they are still our children. It's just that we parent differently. And if we can adjust, you know, just continue to adjust to what's the proper phase. They will be. Okay. I don't [00:36:00] ever think I'll stop being a mom.
My mom doesn't get to stop being a mom just because I'm older and have my own kids. And my kids are older. I still. If I ever get sick, I'm like, ma you just didn't want my momma for stuff. And it was different. But I still ask for her opinion on things I ask for her advice. Most of the time, I don't have to ask.
She just jumps in and gives me her, um, gives me her opinion, but still she's still my mom and I can still go to her. In that, in that capacity, it's a little different capacity now, but she's still my mom. And so she's still painting. And, uh, and I think if I do a really good job of paying close attention to my mom, my kids will model that same behavior and pay a lot of attention to me.
And it had worked out.
Rhumel: [00:36:56] And then they can fix our computer staff.
Twanda: [00:36:59] Yeah. Helping fix that confusion.
Rhumel: [00:37:10] Okay. Oh, to why didn't I have so much fun talking to each other. We'll text each other. I'm helping my dad with their computer and we're just like, bless you. It's more than a notion. [00:37:30] So, um, yeah, so I'm hoping that I am building the blocks by helping my parents with their computer stuff so that my children will help me with my computer stuff that I'm sure I won't get.
Twanda: [00:37:43] That's right. Hey, I think we fit. I feel like we're pretty prepared going in this, like I don't, I don't feel like I'm. I'm behind yet. Now my kids are out all out of the house. So we'll, we'll do this. We'll see how well this episodes eight, this episode that he just know later on, everybody's out and I'll check we'll check in again, but I feel like we're on the right path.
We're doing a lot of things on the list about preparing for this
Rhumel: [00:38:12] I think so, but I think you're right. I think we won't know until we know, I think.
Twanda: [00:38:19] in the back. Now we don't know.
Rhumel: [00:38:22] That's the funniest part where they're like, we got it. It's kind of like when you start having kids, right. You get everything you pack, you, you get, and you have zero clue. Like you bring home your kid. And first off you're like who, let me out the hospital with them.
Twanda: [00:38:40] Right.
Rhumel: [00:38:43] You have no clue and you have to learn it from this, from scratch. And so I think it's probably, even though we're doing the right things, we're preparing for it. I think it's, I think there's going to be this other level of, um, of, uh, that we could just can't prepare for [00:39:00] that. We're going to have to go through it ourselves.
Twanda: [00:39:02] Had someone who's already gone through it on the episode as well, but it'll be as soon enough.
Rhumel: [00:39:10] Soon enough, truly, truly soon enough.
Twanda: [00:39:13] All right.
Rhumel: [00:39:14] fun. I appreciate having that conversation with you. You know what? It's so funny because I know we know each other, but I
Twanda: [00:39:22] Probably doesn't feel like it. It's like that's, that's how you feel. That's what you think. That's what you want to do to know that about you. I guess that's what we're doing this podcast. So we can learn about each other.
Rhumel: [00:39:35] I know. I swear. It's so funny to me, but anyway, I enjoyed it. I, um, I hope that you guys got something out of it. I hope that you are able to connect with that, um, or hopefully help prepare yourself if that's your situation. So we just want to thank you guys so much and if this, um, You know, connected with you, please make sure you subscribe to the podcast, rate us, review us,
Twanda: [00:40:05] Helps us grow much when you did.
Rhumel: [00:40:08] it does.
So we want us want to thank you for listening and, and so until next time, peace and blessings.