Can you just say No? Or is it "I would love to but..."? For some of us, we have trouble just saying NO without explaining ourselves. Honestly, both of us (Rhumel and Twanda) thought we said NO all the time. And then we hit record. Truth be told, it was harder for us than we thought. Join us.
Recorded February 28, 2021
Have you ever said “Yes” to something you should have said “No” to, then proceed to hate doing the thing you agreed to do? “
Yeah. Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt.
We know how this started. As kids our parents often volunteered us to do stuff and we couldn’t say no. Now, as grown @$$ women, we still don’t like to tell our well-meaning parents, “No”. Fortunately, we both have parents who have done so much good for us, we choose to honor them by doing what they want us to do when we can. But let’s be honest, we have trouble saying “No” to perfect strangers trying to sell us stuff we don't want.
Ladies, why do we say “Yes” when we mean “No”?
Lessons:
Nuggets – Fun ways to say NO that we want you to try with us:
Them: Girrrl, will you [insert something you don't want to do here]?
You:
Mastering this skill is a process
Quotes:
“When I was 40, I realized I had the right to do it [say no], now that I am out of my 40s I know that I have the right and I’m getting much more comfortable with the idea of just saying no with as little explanation as possible.” – Rhumel
“I want less regrets in my life.” – Twanda
“If it is something you are volunteering for it should make you feel good.” -Rhumel
“On the phone, I reserve the right to hang that %!+(# up.” – Rhumel
“I said No. I mean no and I don’t owe you any explanation. I don’t have to tell you why I said NO. I don’t have to convince you to agree with me.” -T
“People say ‘Don’t Quit’ (humph) that’s bullshit. Quitting is not always and a bad thing. – T
Please support our podcast:
Have a question or topic you want us to talk about? We want to hear from you!!
No is a Complete Sentence
Rhumel: [00:00:15] Welcome back to our show.
Twanda: [00:00:56] Welcome back everybody. This is Twanda.
Rhumel: [00:00:59] And this is Rhumel
Twanda: [00:01:00] hey,Rhumel
Rhumel: [00:01:01] Hey, girl hey.
Twanda: [00:01:03] I have been enjoying the beautiful weather that we have been granted. Did we get like a, I feel like we got a grant. We get two days of really good weather for free during a winter time. And this is good.
Rhumel: [00:01:16] Well, you know, they say North Carolina, we actually don't have four seasons. It's like 12 seasons or something like that, like a full, just full spring. And
Twanda: [00:01:27] I love full spring.
[00:01:30] Rhumel: [00:01:30] I think that we're actually like in a full, a full spring, cause we know it's going to snap and where it's going to get cold again.
Twanda: [00:01:39] Absolutely. It's a matter of fact, I heard you just clear your throat just now. And then spring comes with like fools pollen or something.
Rhumel: [00:01:47] And so my daughter went for a walk with the dog and she's like, Oh yeah, the Lake has pollen in it again. Oh, it's like, Oh dear me, here. It comes here. It comes. And that's exactly where I am
Twanda: [00:02:00] I'm sorry. I mean, you want to be excited and then, you know,
Rhumel: [00:02:07] do. I mean, we live in North Carolina, so it's like the pollinating.
Twanda: [00:02:11] we, you should expect that. We should expect that. Yeah. Okay. Fine.
Rhumel: [00:02:16] That's the season pollinating.
Twanda: [00:02:18] Yeah. Yeah. Well, I was, I was ticked off because a mosquito bitme. How was I? Come on, dude. Shouldn't you be hibernating or something?
Rhumel: [00:02:27] It's rude. It's just way too early. We're in February for crying out loud. Yeah. It's almost March, but still rude. Still rude
Twanda: [00:02:38] Hey, um, can I, can I ask you something?
Rhumel: [00:02:41] Yes. Ma'am.
Twanda: [00:02:43] Yeah, I know you're busy, um, on Wednesday, but my sister's boyfriend's ex girlfriend's cousin needs a cake for their birthday and they want your homemade cakes. I don't know, [00:03:00] cancel some appointments and get that cake from me. I'll get you back later. You know how I do, I won't get you.
Rhumel: [00:03:07] See, this would be hard because you asked it, but I would still give the same response. Um, girl, no girl. No,
Twanda: [00:03:18] What's help me know. I mean, like you tell me no, I mean, I'm asking you for a cake and it needs to be homemade and it needs to be Wednesday. And I know you're busy right
Rhumel: [00:03:29] Yeah, I know, right. That would be, that would be hard because you're my girl. And I would try to do all the things for you, but a Wednesday cake is not happening. Not happening.
That leads us to today's
Twanda: [00:03:43] topic.
today.
Rhumel: [00:03:45] yes and no is a complete sentence.
Twanda: [00:03:50] I'm going to ask to get the applause because we need a pause for a, for a, no is a complete sentence at how old were you when you figured that out?
Rhumel: [00:04:00] Okay. So my daddy used to tell me this all the time. He would tell us that when we were kids and we would be like, Ooh, why dad? And he would go no is a complete sentence.
Twanda: [00:04:12] It does sound like a thing dads would say,
Rhumel: [00:04:15] Yeah. So.
Twanda: [00:04:17] okay. Okay. You heard it early, but when did you start to apply it and go, Oh wait, I can say no as well. Like, did you try it on him Monday? I want to know.
Rhumel: [00:04:27] no, no. I ain't turned that on my daddy if he asked me [00:04:30] to,
Twanda: [00:04:30] That's why you're here today. I get it.
Rhumel: [00:04:32] no, I tried that on my daddy, but, um, I think probably I think the golden age is 40. I swear. I think the golden age is 40. I think that's when we become more aware of our own. I don't want to say self-worth, but it is something about 40 that just, it seems to click
Twanda: [00:04:54] Yes, I agree.
Rhumel: [00:04:56] Yeah. And it's just like,
Twanda: [00:04:58] Wisdom comes on and you started getting that. Um, losing the inhibition. So you still had to do things that you didn't feel comfortable doing anymore. I started to feel like life is getting shorter and shorter on my end, and I don't want to do less. I want to say no when I mean no more often.
I want less regret in my life.
Rhumel: [00:05:18] Well, let me, let me ask you. So when you were saying yes, why were you saying yes to things that you didn't want to do?
Twanda: [00:05:29] I know why I was there. So I would say yes, because I felt like it might be the right thing to do. I'm sorry. You are laughing.
Rhumel: [00:05:41] I would laugh just the way you said that. Cause she said I was there
I almost spit my water out my water out. It was funny. Oh my gosh. I'm sorry. I'm here.
Twanda: [00:05:54] Pick you up though.
Rhumel: [00:05:55] Yeah, you do
Twanda: [00:05:56] Okay.
Rhumel: [00:05:58] you were [00:06:00] saying, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt
Twanda: [00:06:02] That I had a lot of reasons I would say yes, when I meant. No, I would say yes, because I didn't necessarily want to disappoint people. And if they were asking me, I can make them happy by saying yes. Um, and sometimes I said yes, because I just. Didn't know how to say no. Like I felt like maybe if it was somebody older or a family member asked me to do something that was out of the way, I might say.
Yes, because they are an elder in the family or an elder at the church. You know, there's always these constructs where it's hard to say no to somebody who asks like, cause you grow up and your parents ask you to do stuff, but they ain't really ask asking. Right. So we have to grow out of, I'm not. So I'm not a kid all the time and Hey, having a dog, I can reclaim my time.
I can determine what it is I want to do. But I would say no, mainly because I, sometimes I didn't have the will. Um, I would say yes, because sometimes I didn't have the will to, to hold up a strong no. Um, because of persistence or like I said, I didn't want to disappoint people. And how they thought about me was very important.
And of course, Yeah, I would imagine, as you would say, unless we get older something changes and how much I care about how people let people think about me, it goes [00:07:30] down and my ability to say no goes up.
Rhumel: [00:07:32] up. Yes.
Twanda: [00:07:34] Yeah. What about you? Is, would that be the same reason you were saying?
Rhumel: [00:07:37] I would say all of those things that you said, and I think, um, a big part of it was feeling insecure about the way that people would perceive me. If I said no, You know, well, Oh, they'll think that I'm selfish or they'll think that, um, I'm too good to help out. Or they'll, you know, all these things in my head about what should I be doing?
Twanda: [00:08:10] So when you say no, cause the title we wanted for this conversation was no as a complete sentence. When you say I'm concerned that people might think I'm selfish or they might subscribe something different. Some other reason to the reason I'm saying no. So maybe I need to explain. So saying no as a sentence, as a complete sentence, it's one thing saying no, and giving a reason why feels less strong, but I tend to lean in that direction even to the day.
Rhumel: [00:08:45] If I'm honest with you. I do too, but.
Twanda: [00:08:49] you to be honest with me.
Rhumel: [00:08:51] I'm going to be
Twanda: [00:08:51] Just be honest with me. You would, you also prefer to give a reason.
Rhumel: [00:08:56] Well, I don't even want to say it's. [00:09:00] I guess it is a reason, but my reasons have strengthened. And let me explain that. So in the past, if I were to say no, and I would want to not do something, I might say, Oh no, you know, maybe I'll think about doing it next year.
Twanda: [00:09:21] Right.
Rhumel: [00:09:21] So then that would give somebody the impression that I really still wanted to be involved.
Twanda: [00:09:28] Right,
Rhumel: [00:09:28] Um, there was some question there was leeway there's the door was cracked.
Twanda: [00:09:34] right. So you, you kept the door open for them to come back and hassle you again about the same thing.
Rhumel: [00:09:40] Exactly. And I realized like, if I don't want to do this, I have to be upfront with people about, no, I am not interested. I do not have. The bandwidth to do this. I do not have
Twanda: [00:09:58] It will be so good for you.
Rhumel: [00:09:59] no that. See for me that if you are going to argue with me over, whether I feel that I can take on something, then I definitely don't want to do it, you know, but I, I do it less and less.
I find myself actually just being like, no, I don't want to do that. And I think it takes people by surprise when I go, no,
Twanda: [00:10:26] You know that they're talking junk about you behind your back. Like, I can't believe [00:10:30] she is just, you would think that she was as nice a person and that she seemed so nice, but I asked her to do one thing and you know what she said? She said, no, just like that. Like, she didn't even give me a good reason.
Rhumel: [00:10:42] Yeah, no. And I get people who like asked me for cakes and things And I'll be like, Nope. Not going to do it. Don't don't have the time don't have the wherewithal. Don't
Twanda: [00:10:54] But don't you like making cakes? You make great cakes. You're good at it. You should like to do it. What is the problem?
Rhumel: [00:11:01] I like doing it. Okay. No, let me say this. Let me correct you about something. I, I like for my children and my family and the people that I make cakes for to be happy. And it is me making cakes is a way for me to give them a gift.
Twanda: [00:11:24] Um, so, so I can't make you give somebody else. I see.
Rhumel: [00:11:29] no, I don't enjoy baking that much. Okay. When it
Twanda: [00:11:36] No, that's, that's helpful.
Rhumel: [00:11:38] enjoy the art of baking. I do it and I do it pretty. Okay.
Twanda: [00:11:43] now I look at you on the outside and I'm like, you enjoy you. You volunteer to do a lot of that stuff. I'm like, girl, you shouldn't have never started that.
Rhumel: [00:11:53] I know, I know, and my, my kids expect it, but now they expect they don't expect the, I used to do the [00:12:00] deck. I used to really decorate the cakes and you know that, but, um, but I didn't do that for many other people at all,
Twanda: [00:12:09] right. But, and the thing is you shouldn't have to explain it. So I have, I don't remember. And if my mom was listening to this podcast, sorry, mom, if you said it and I forgot, but. I don't remember really having a conversation about no, except maybe if it came to boys and going to college and dealing with boys, trying to push you to do things and saying no.
And, but yeah, maybe that conversation, but just in general saying no to things. I didn't, I don't remember my parents teaching me that. And so I remember I was talking to my 17 year old son about how a. Uh, college recruiter called me wanting to speak to Daniel, to recruit him to the military and make an effort to do so.
I think the military is great for certain people, but Daniel, I had this conversation before he's not interested, you know, um, he talked to me about why he's not interested, nothing. Okay, cool. You can make that decision, but I know that the recruiters are like ourselves people, you know, and, and so. I listen to them and talk a [00:13:30] little bit.
And I said, all right, I can just stop you right there. That, yeah, no, we're not doing this. And people like him and people like sales people in general, like I've been in sales. I know you learn to overcome objections. It's like, yeah, say no, cause I'm ready. For whatever reason, you know, I've got something for it. There's a respect for, for the craft of sales. But then there's also like, yeah, but I said, no. I mean, no, and I don't owe you any explanation. I don't have to tell you why. I said, no, I don't have to make you, but I don't have to convince you to, you know, to agree with me. It's like, that's not the game. And I remember using this as an opportunity to tell him my son, that he has the ability to do the same thing.
Rhumel: [00:14:19] You're right,
Twanda: [00:14:20] You don't have to, you don't owe somebody a reason. Like you don't, you don't have to convince them that your no is sufficient. And if, as long as you know that, and you hear that and you give it a part of your head, you can start to believe that, you know, you can start to utilize it more. Sometimes I'll say, no, no, I'm gonna say most of the time.
I just say no. Cause I said, so I usually will say. No, and I know they're going to object. I'm not everybody does. Nobody says, Oh, okay. Thank you, bye. Like, who does that? Anytime you say no to somebody requests, they usually come back [00:15:00] with something and sometimes if you're face to face, you can't like hang up on them.
Cause you know, you're face to face and all.
Rhumel: [00:15:05] right, right. You can't.
Twanda: [00:15:08] And so, uh, so just being able to know that even if I go into any. Evaporation on my, no, it is not because I need to convince them that it's okay for me to say no, I think that's the difference if I think, Oh, I got to make them make them agree with me. Well, I don't ever feel like that.
I don't care if they never agree with me, but if I want to make sure that they hear. My, you know, I'm not doing it because it doesn't make me happy. It's not the way I want to spend my time. I like to spend my time doing other things. I can, I can tell people some of those things and I feel okay about that.
But I also know I'm not arguing with them. Like you can't argue with my decision, but I can help you understand it better if you just don't understand.
Rhumel: [00:15:56] Right. And I also, especially on the phone, I also do reserve the right to hang that bitch up.
Twanda: [00:16:04] Saying it's Oh, it's ahh, man. I I get called because we get marketed to so often. Um, it's only, it's actually healthy to say no, because we get too many bids for our money and yeah. This and that. And yeah, you just got to know, you got to say no. Oh my goodness. Do I close the door on people's faces when they come to my house?
Absolutely [00:16:30] doing that. Answer the door. Absolutely. I got one of these things. People come up to the door and I can print. I can see them on my phone. And I'll say, can I help you? Well, we want to sell you solar panels. Oh, I, Sam, I am not at all interested. Thanks. And then I'm done like
Rhumel: [00:16:49] Yes.
Twanda: [00:16:49] the conversation's over.
It's like hanging up.
Rhumel: [00:16:51] Yes.
Twanda: [00:16:52] Uh, so I like, I am I'm okay with that.
Rhumel: [00:16:55] I am too. You know, it's kind of funny, I think back of, uh, around. My my time saying yes. And I will say this, my mother had a lot to do with this. Hi mom. Um, but I don't know if, if this happened in your house, but I know it happened in mine. My, we would go to church every Sunday
Twanda: [00:17:24] Hello.
Rhumel: [00:17:24] we would get volunteered for things on a weekly basis.
And you didn't have the ability to say no.
Twanda: [00:17:36] Cause you a child,
Rhumel: [00:17:38] cause you were a child and it didn't matter. Like I could be 18 child. And if my mama volunteered me for something, then that meant I was doing it. And so you have, you get in a situation where you don't understand that you can set your own [00:18:00] boundaries. you get kind of wrapped up in that you, you get used to the feeling that Knarling feeling of. This is going to suck and I don't want to do it, but I'm going to do it.
Twanda: [00:18:16] Okay. I think I might say yes to my mama is she asked me more than like, I, it was harder for me to say no to my mama, even though I'm good and grown, it was so much harder for me to say no to my mama. And as you were talking, I'm sitting here. With the face of shame. Cause I'm like shoot at dad to my kid hold. Cause I just, I just volunteered to F or somebody was like, we're going to do a, um, a show and we need singers and spoken word. And I was like, Oh yeah, like he'll do that. And it's funny. Um, I try to stay within my rhelm, but I know I get excited sometimes. And sometimes I think, well, you should do it because you need to get out there son and do that. But he's like 20. I need to. Yeah. So I have to, I have to check myself, but at the same time, I feel like, uh, I might need to make sure I had my conversation with, with my 20 year old that I had with my 17 year old, making sure he knows.
He can say no. And he does, he does. Sometimes he has to. Uh, th they say to say no, but I think it's different when in the parent child relationship, even when you're an adult child.
Rhumel: [00:19:28] Oh yeah. I know. [00:19:30] I, I, I ha, like I said, my daddy asked me to do something and I still say yes, however, I know that he has, it's different my parents, you know, because both he and my mom have done so much
Twanda: [00:19:47] Yeah.
Rhumel: [00:19:48] until. You know, and that goes right to this very day. You know, they will do anything that I need for them to do to help me.
And so it's, it's different
Twanda: [00:20:00] It was a parent clause. We're going to talk about this minus not talking about the parent situation. Cause yeah, I I'm, I would be bad with that, with that one, but, but there's so many other scenarios. Like I am. You know, I joined a sorority when I was in undergrad and I was still active after, after you graduate for those who don't know certain fraternities and sororities go on in the graduate chapter.
And so I did that for a little while, and then I realized this really isn't working for me. This is not necessarily. This is requiring a lot of time and a lot of money because started having children. Okay. There's that? And then, uh, even though my kids are older, I haven't decided that I want to go back and be involved in the same way, but I am around a lot of those same lovely ladies on a regular basis.
And. I'm flattered and I [00:21:00] appreciate the request. Hey, you should join up and get started again. And my answer is always, yeah, I can hear you. I know y'all are having a good time. I mean, I think you're a great person now and I couldn't do that. Yeah, I, I, I know you, you w you joined after not being involved with a long time, so that, that is so great for you.
Yeah, no, I know. And I don't know what, when it comes off and how it seems, and I, uh, and it's not even personal or it's personal to me because I know that's not yet the place where I want to spend my time and my money.
Rhumel: [00:21:38] I mean, you're allowed to have that and
Twanda: [00:21:41] I'm a little loud and I know it. Some people don't know it like somebody is listening right now. And then if I can, Oh, I could, I could say don't do some things and yeah. And you don't, it's never too late to say no people talk about don't quit. That's bullshit. You can say, you know, I started something cause I should have said no.
And I didn't now I'm stepping away. You can do that. Quitting is not always a bad thing.
Rhumel: [00:22:09] right. It's all right. I think it's only a bad thing. No, I agree with you. I think it's only a bad thing. If it's something that you truly in your heart desire and you're quitting because you feel less than,
Twanda: [00:22:21] Okay. Sure.
Rhumel: [00:22:22] if you are doing something you don't care for, you don't feel that it's going to, [00:22:30] it fits within.
Twanda: [00:22:32] Your life goals, whatever your plans,
Rhumel: [00:22:34] life plans.
Twanda: [00:22:36] happiness factor.
Rhumel: [00:22:37] Exactly. Then let it go. It should, it's something that you're volunteering for. It should make you feel good about it. Shouldn't make you feel burdened and, um, you know, and. Volunteer work or whatever. There's a lot of it that really is very giving to your soul, but there's some times that, you know, you need to be able to say no, actually speaking of volunteer, work, my husband, volunteers a lot with the fraternity.
Twanda: [00:23:11] Uh, huh.
Rhumel: [00:23:12] And, um, he, I mean, he always, he's always, in some meeting, he's always doing some committee. All these things. And I say to him, why don't you just say no? And he was like, I just can't. I just, and he gets himself so tied up in meeting after meeting every weekend, it's meeting after meeting,
Twanda: [00:23:37] Okay. Are we going to have this conversation about your husband? We will do this right now. All right. So we can on and talk about when your mouse husband, I hear everything that she's saying, right. And I know her husband is tired from doing meeting after meeting. I also think that is that man's joy. I just think he loves to volunteer.
And even if it's hard, [00:24:00] even if it's exhausting, I swear he seems to be in his happy place. So I'm not, I don't know your husband better than you, so I'm not even gonna pretend I do. I'm just saying, what I see
Rhumel: [00:24:10] I agree
Twanda: [00:24:11] he seems to love what he's doing, even if
Rhumel: [00:24:14] I agree with you. The, where, where I take issue with what he's doing right now is he's taking away from the joy of it by taking on so much of it.
Twanda: [00:24:27] Yeah,
Rhumel: [00:24:28] So if he was in three things that he
Twanda: [00:24:33] Instead of the 15 that he's actually in.
Rhumel: [00:24:36] wouldn't feel so stressed about it. And I think he would find more joy in being in those say three groups that he is working with.
You know what I'm saying? So, um, so even, so in that case, like you said, it gives them joy, but too much of it, it can, it's just another job,
Twanda: [00:24:56] Right, right. I hear you. Which leads us to the thing that you can't make any decisions for. Nobody else. Just, you
Rhumel: [00:25:03] is true.
Twanda: [00:25:05] try as we might, I
Rhumel: [00:25:07] I have tried.
Twanda: [00:25:08] Yeah. As our roles, as wives, it is our responsibility to point out husbands in the right direction. And it's not going to say, I actually disagree with you Rhumel about not overdoing, a good thing.
You can do too much of a good thing and it's not good anymore. And then, then you just have to try to point the man in the right direction.
[00:25:30] Rhumel: [00:25:29] Yeah, that's all I can do, you know,
Twanda: [00:25:31] I brought my kids in the right direction. And, uh, yeah, now I had some issues with people who beg for money on the street. Now we've been in COVID time, so I'm not doing nothing.
I haven't even handled a dollar bill or some J I can't remember the last time I touched actual cash. Right. I, I mean, just, I don't do vending machines. I just, she kind of pushed buttons and everybody touched him. You gotta wipe that. Like, it's just like, I don't put coins in nothing. I don't, I I'm using the plastic card for everything.
And if I can avoid touching the little buttons to, to use my credit card, I will do that. You know, so,
Rhumel: [00:26:18] Yeah.
Twanda: [00:26:19] so, um, but I remember it was a big deal for me. Oh, wow. When I would work downtown or go downtown, for whatever reason, there's always somebody asking you for money. And sometimes I might have some money that I feel like I could give.
And I remember feeling a certain guiltiness. I could say no, I'd feel guilty about it. I think I knew I grew out of that at some point in time because it became so much of a. Thing where every, when you go downtown, it's just too much asking for stuff. And I was like, well, if I gave money to everybody, if I try it, I felt guilty about it.
I couldn't even survive. [00:27:00] And I don't want you putting that on me. And so I can, I can step away from it and say, you know what? I, I can give in other ways, but this is not the way I'm going to do. I'm not going to be nickeled and dimed and guilted in to giving away all my spirit, my change in my pocket, uh, because I go downtown, but also I like to avoid going downtown for that reason.
And any other place where they're begging for money all the time, don't get me started on my Costa Rica experience. No it wasn't Costa Rica. I went to Dominican Republic. I'm sorry.
Rhumel: [00:27:34] When did you go
Twanda: [00:27:35] know. I'm sorry. I did not go, but maybe I need to, I need to know, but it was Dominican Republic and I felt like my whole experience, perhaps just the places that I went, every single person was begging for money.
And I was like, I need to get away. I need to get away. I can say no, but it was exhausting to be in that area.
Rhumel: [00:27:56] I think it's, I think it's tough because when you do care for people and you do care for humanity, it's hard when you constantly are feeling like you're being asked for resources that you don't necessarily have for everybody, right?
Twanda: [00:28:15] And I have one other people that have it, you know, I was like, I wish you did have the money to get the same, what you want, or the gas you need to get from one place or the milk to feed your baby or whatever the story is. Right.
Rhumel: [00:28:25] Yeah. And it's that's I think that's, I think for [00:28:30] me, that is probably the hardest part of saying no is saying, um, saying no to somebody when you're looking at them in their eyes and you can tell that they have needs no matter what those needs are. I'm not, not everybody has, um, You know, are out there for the right reasons, but I, yeah, but I always approach everybody as they do, but it's just hard when, um, when you, you know, when you feel for people, when you feel for people, I think that's why it's so uncomfortable, you know, and it's hard to be if you're going downtown and you know, you're going to be approached multiple times.
That's an uncomfortable feeling. And, and sometimes it's uncomfortable just because, um, so it's, some people are more aggressive than others and as a woman that makes it feel really uncomfortable. So I get, I totally get that.
Twanda: [00:29:26] right. Um, I was also thinking I often get calls from my Alma mater about sending money to them. And I think about in many ways, number one, I know they're putting a child and I think of them as children. Cause I got kids in college though. There's somebody's kids are doing the phone calls to ask alumni to give money.
And so I get that and I know that somebody who's job. And so I'm, I, I try to handle them differently. [00:30:00] I do. I often. Yeah, don't give a lot to these, those organizations or if I do, I pinpoint it to, well, I actually wanted to go to this, um, the black student movement organization on campus. Uh, uh, the, um, uh, the black cultural center.
I want that money to go towards the, you know, if I'm going to give him money, this is exactly where I wanted to go. Um, my last university wrote me. I am still paying all those loans that I had from them. Okay. And they called and they wanted some money and, and. I know that when I was in school, I did not get any scholarship to go myself.
So I am like, and then I have kids in school when they called and I know why my kid, he didn't get, uh, you know, the school didn't have money for him. And I was like, well, look, y'all, I got loans. My kids got knowns. You know, th the, the scholarship you say that I could give money to, to give kids. College scholarships.
I'm like, yeah, my kids, I am giving them the scholarship. So I am already sponsoring kids that have scholarships go to school, but they just happen to be my kids, you know? Cause I could give the money to you and then you'd give it to another kid, but my kid has needs. So I've, it's a lot of saying, like I have to think through this.
[00:31:30] Rhumel: [00:31:29] well, you know what,
Twanda: [00:31:31] I'm not in a space to give somebody else's kids college money while I'm still trying to pay off my own and to give my kids college money.
Rhumel: [00:31:39] Right. Well, you know what I do to, uh, Jim and I do too, um, kind of hedge that is, um, we set at the beginning of the year, we set aside like, well, what organizations are we going to
Twanda: [00:31:54] Yes.
Rhumel: [00:31:55] to? And so that allows me to be able to say, uh, it's not in my plan for this year, but I'll consider you for next year.
You know what I mean?
Twanda: [00:32:05] If you really plan to consider them from
Rhumel: [00:32:08] yeah, like, I mean, I've done that where I've, I've included a different organization, but I don't mess, you know, I'm not going to mess with my budget. Um, unless, I mean, it had, it would have to be compelling, but because I just get in that routine of just like, ah, you know, it's not in our, it's not in our budget
Twanda: [00:32:28] and that that's a legit answer. That is such a legit answer. Like, um, when people ask to have some money, cause you know, I'm trying to do this thing. Can you give me some money? I don't have, I've earmarked my money to go to savings to this, to that. Like, I didn't save enough for giving away to friends and family.
Now that's not my issue. Cause I don't have money like that. And all that is coming to me. It was like, I know you're rolling in the dough, come and give me money. Like that's not my problem, [00:33:00] but I imagined that one day, that could be, I hope the day I have that problem, but yeah.
Rhumel: [00:33:05] manifesting haters, right?
Twanda: [00:33:10] Yeah, but that's not really not a problem.
Rhumel: [00:33:13] I mean, but you know, the problem is it's like here we are. We're like discussing all the ways that we don't just say no. Right, great. Like here we are like grown ass women coming up with reasons to tell people that.
Twanda: [00:33:31] Because the struggle is real. It's not easy. I wish it were, but it's not as easy as I would like it to be just to say, Uh, let me hear your request. The answer is no, you are dismissed. Like you just can't dismiss everybody who comes up to you like that. They will talk about you. That is rude. You know, this, you want to, depending on who you're talking to, you want to, you want to, um, give that, deliver that no differently.
Rhumel: [00:34:02] I agree. This there's a, there's a way to present it. No,
Twanda: [00:34:09] Let me think
Rhumel: [00:34:10] Oh, hell no. know, you know, I mean, there's, there's, there's levels to it, but, you know, I think, I think as we get older, like I think when I was 40, I realized I had the right to do it. Right. You know what I mean? Like right. To do it. So now I think [00:34:30] now that I am out of my forties, I think I know that I have the right and I am getting much more comfortable with the idea of just saying no with as little explanation as possible.
And, um, and I think right now it's a willingness for myself to want to take care of my own needs my own time. My own resources. Um, but it's not, it has not been an overnight thing and I'm still working at it.
Twanda: [00:35:08] Oh yeah. I still work at it too. I wish I could be. Yeah. I can tell everybody how to do this in these three easy steps. This is how you do it. I think the parts that I want I leave with is that. I always want to communicate to other people that I'm saying no. And I don't have to tell you why. Like I don't have to justify it to you.
I don't have to convince you to accept it. You accept it or you don't. If I say anything else to that, it's more of a, it might make me feel better than saying no, but the point is, I'm still saying no, like I'm not gonna, I don't feel like if you have really good argument where I say yes, that is not going to change my mind.
Rhumel: [00:35:52] Yeah, I think.
Twanda: [00:35:53] okay. Or that I have to get okay with, uh, I that's part of how I go about my no [00:36:00] saying.
Rhumel: [00:36:01] Yeah. And I think whatever for every, no, that I say, when I do say a yes, it, it means that I am going to be able to be fully yeah. Engaged,
Twanda: [00:36:11] Yeah. Yeah. You can feel better about you. Yes. I hate to do say yes to do something that I didn't want to do because then I hate it the whole time. And I'm mad at myself. I'm like,
Rhumel: [00:36:21] Oh, and you, do you do this? Well, I could have said no, or I could have said this. Do you ever do the, I
Twanda: [00:36:29] After the fact. Yeah, I should've, I could've done it.
Rhumel: [00:36:33] I had just said this, that and the other, then I could have, you know,
Twanda: [00:36:37] I would not be sitting here doing this thing. I do not want to do. Yeah. I don't even have time. All right. Just that. Yeah.
Rhumel: [00:36:45] this is just gonna make me, it's going to jam up my schedule. I mean, like you go through those whole things and I still do that, but I do it a lot, lot less. I do it a
Twanda: [00:36:55] Unless, you know, it, it is a process. And I think that's the part about it is it is a process. We are, we were exercising the say no, when you mean no muscle. I also want to do better about empowering my children. And we've, I've worked with them specifically on that. I, I thought of another scenario, even when they were younger, you know, people would request things of them and they'd be like, I don't want to do it.
And he was like, you're not, you actually don't have to. You know, you can say, even [00:37:30] to adults, no, that's not appropriate. No, don't kiss me on the cheek. No, I don't have to give fake auntie and hug. I have my own personal space. I mean, but really think about it. There are times where we have to empower our children to not, that'd be rude, but to say no and protect their own boundaries.
So the more we can do of that, encouraging our kids because as children, especially coming from parents, Do we like you better not say, no, you can't say no to me. That's a spanking right there. Your little two year old. No, like, no, you can't tell me now that yeah. How bad children get to that place sooner rather than later is a goal of mine.
Rhumel: [00:38:15] Yeah. I, and I think my goal is to yes. To definitely get my kids, to be able to understand that they can say, no, thank you. You know, and still be polite. Like, that's be a polite thing to say a lot earlier. So I agree with you, but it's
Twanda: [00:38:36] I might try that the next time they asked me to do some of them. I just go, no, thank you. Because they're not expecting that.
Rhumel: [00:38:45] Yeah. I mean, because like, you know, Oh, I wish I could make it work. Oh, well, you know, no, no, no, no. That's not what I really mean. You know what I mean? Like if I were to say, I wish I could make that work. No, no, no, no, [00:39:00] no,
Twanda: [00:39:00] because then they'll be like, let me help you figure out how we can make it work. It's like, wait, that's not what I wanted us to
Rhumel: [00:39:04] not what I wanted.
Twanda: [00:39:05] I'm trying to do, I just need to say now I just need,
Rhumel: [00:39:08] I just meant to say
Twanda: [00:39:10] I just, I just didn't want to say that.
Rhumel: [00:39:13] Oh, I wish I were able to, no, I
Twanda: [00:39:16] I wish I wanted
Rhumel: [00:39:18] I wish I wanted to.
Twanda: [00:39:23] say
Rhumel: [00:39:25] This is fun. I've got another one. I'd rather not.
Twanda: [00:39:30] Okay. So no, thank you. No, I'd rather not. I wanted to. I really like these three, I think, I think we can end it here. This, this is, those were the great nuggets of this one. Even if no is not a complete sentence. If we say no is a complete sentence, but there's also more, there is no thank you.
Rhumel: [00:39:57] That's good.
Twanda: [00:39:58] That's right.
There's uh, yeah, I really wish I wanted to.
Rhumel: [00:40:02] I love that one though. Cause that's another one that's going to take people.
Twanda: [00:40:08] What's the third one.
Rhumel: [00:40:10] Um, Oh no, thank you.
Twanda: [00:40:12] Yeah,
Rhumel: [00:40:13] yeah, yeah. Yeah. I, I, um, I'm there, I'm looking forward to using those more freely and with less guilt,
Twanda: [00:40:24] That
Rhumel: [00:40:27] yeah. I'm down with it.
[00:40:30] Twanda: [00:40:30] sounds great.
Rhumel: [00:40:31] all right. Well, I just want to thank you for stopping in and taking a listen to our note is a complete sentence and what we, uh, I think what we learned today is we don't do it as much as we would like to, but we're still working on it.
Twanda: [00:40:48] Yeah, it's a muscle we're working on, but it, it, it, it comes in there for that. It's around about 40, right?
Rhumel: [00:40:53] Yeah, I think so. And if, if you're not quite 40 yet employee it earlier,
Twanda: [00:40:58] Yeah. You will be happy. You did.
Rhumel: [00:41:01] you will be so happy. So I want to thank you for stopping by today and taking a listen, but until next time, peace Yeah.
Twanda: [00:41:17] That was the best piece and blessings.